Coach lined us up for pushups. "We're going for twenty," he said, pacing like a drill sergeant.
The first kid dropped down and cranked them out like it was nothing. Everybody nodded. So did the next kid, and the next.
By the time it got to me, my stomach was in knots. My arms started shaking on the 16th one. Somebody snickered behind me. My face went hot, and I stared at the floor and pretended to fix my hand placement so no one would see that I couldn't keep going.
Somewhere in the middle of that short, miserable set, a question landed. Is this what it means to be a man?
It didn't stay in the gym. It followed me to the locker room, and down the hallway, and home, where I stood looking at myself in the mirror trying to work out whether I had what it took.
I'm telling you because your son is probably carrying his own version of that question. He won't say it out loud. He may not even know it's a question. But he's working out what a man is supposed to be, and he's doing most of it where you can't see.
So what can you do from the kitchen?
He Learns It From What He Watches You Do
Start with the hard one. He is learning what a man is from someone, and for most boys that someone is whoever they see every day.
You don't have to be perfect. He's watching how you handle the hard parts. What you do when you're tired. Whether the small promise you made on Tuesday is still true on Saturday.
And what you do when you're wrong.
Think about the last time you got it wrong with him. Maybe you snapped over something small. Maybe you missed something that mattered to him. You could let it blow over. Most of us do.
Or you could knock on his door and say, "I was wrong, and I'm sorry." No list of reasons after it. Just that.
He may not say much back. But he just watched an adult do the thing he's most afraid of, and nothing fell apart. A lot of guys never see that.
In Real Talk, "I messed up, and I'm sorry" is the first thing on the list of ways to build the kind of strength that lasts. It comes before anything about muscles. The Parent Guide says it the same way: let him see you admit a mistake, because it teaches him that manhood allows honesty.
You don't have to do it well. You have to do it where he can see it.
Name the Quiet Thing Out Loud
In my gym class, everything was counted. Pushups, laps, who got picked first. The things that make a good man don't get counted. That's the problem.
Real Talk tells a story about a boy named Brandon. He wasn't the most popular kid in school. He was the kind of guy who noticed small things.
There was a boy named Mason who moved through the hallways like he hoped no one would see him. Hood up most days. Back row. He spoke so quietly you had to lean in to hear him. People whispered about him and laughed when he tripped.
One rainy morning, Mason walked in the front doors and his backpack strap snapped. Everything spilled across the tile, including a science project that rolled into a puddle. He bent down fast, shoulders curled in, like he wanted to disappear. A few kids laughed. One pulled out a phone. Most just stepped around him.
Brandon felt his chest tighten. Don't make it worse. Just keep walking.
Then he thought something else. If I don't help, who will?
He pulled a crumpled grocery sack out of his bag, crouched down, and held it open. "Let's get it out of the water before it's ruined," he said quietly. Together they picked up the soggy folders and the volcano that now looked more like a lopsided hill. Brandon walked Mason to the office.
No one clapped. Brandon went to class like nothing had happened.
But something had. It was the first time in a long while that someone saw Mason and didn't make fun of him. And for Brandon, it was when his idea of strength changed.
Your son has a moment like that coming, or he's already had one. You probably won't hear about it. What you can do is notice, and say so.
So say it. Once, in plain words, at an ordinary moment. "I saw how you included your friend today. That's strength."
He'll probably shrug. That's fine. He heard you. Sometimes a few days later he does it again, and this time he looks over to see if you noticed.
Give Him Somewhere to Practice
Strength is something he builds, not something he's handed. The chapter calls the small habits training, and it lists five.
Apologize without excuses. Help someone without being asked. Encourage the person everyone overlooks. Walk away from drama, even if it costs him some popularity. Tell the truth, even when it's uncomfortable.
None of these are dramatic. That's why they work. A fifteen-year-old can do any of them tomorrow.
You can make room for them at home. Once a week, have everyone at the table share one thing they did that week. Helped someone. Said sorry. You go first. Keep it short, and don't grade anybody's answer.
Or ask him one real question and let him take his time: "Who do you look up to, not for their muscles or toughness, but for their character?" It's one of the conversation starters in the Parent Guide, and it gets him talking about who he wants to be without turning into a lecture.
If he rolls his eyes, let him. He's still in the room.
It took me a long time to learn what that gym class couldn't teach me. The strongest people I've known weren't the ones with the most muscle. They were the ones who quietly did the right thing when it would have been easier not to.
Your son is becoming that kind of man, or not, in small moments you'll mostly miss. What you can do is show him, name it, and give him room to try.
The Hearts & Home Guide was built for parents in the middle of moments like these. It's a short free guide of simple ways to care for the heart of a teenage guy. Download it free at ivoryroad.shop.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I raise a boy to be a good man?
Show him what it looks like, and name it when you see it. Boys learn manhood from the people around them, so let him see you admit a mistake and keep a small promise. Then say it out loud when he does something kind. Once, plainly, is enough.
What does it mean to be a good man to a teenage boy?
Most teen boys think it means being tough, strong, and hard to rattle. The real list is quieter. Telling the truth when a lie would be easier. Being kind when there's nothing in it for him. Owning a mistake. Helping without being asked. It's character, not muscles.
How do I teach my son to be a good man when he won't listen?
Skip the lecture. A boy who tunes out a speech will still notice what you do. Give him one specific, true thing at an ordinary moment: "I saw how you handled that. That's strength." Short and plain lands in a way advice usually doesn't.
What does the Bible say about being a strong man?
It puts strength in the heart, not the body. Joshua 1:9 tells Joshua to be strong and courageous because God will be with him wherever he goes. Jeremiah 17:10 says God searches the heart and looks at how a person lives. Jesus showed strength by washing His disciples' feet and forgiving the people who hurt Him.
This post was written by Dr. Scott Fuller. Real Talk is a faith-based book series for teen boys, built around the real things boys carry: identity, emotions, and everyday faith. Learn more at ivoryroad.shop.